Raising a toddler is not an easy job, especially when that toddler is starting to test their boundaries as they find their way in the world. It can be hard to control your temper during these times, but instead of punishing your toddler, why not consider introducing positive discipline instead?
After all, there are no bad children in life, just bad behaviour. By implementing techniques like praise and positive redirection in a toddler’s life, you can often avoid bad actions without resorting to bribes or yelling. Not only that, but positive discipline will set your toddler up for their future life by understanding that it’s possible to respond to moments of stress without having a meltdown.
What is Positive Discipline?
Made famous by Dr Jane Nelsen, a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor and author of Positive Discipline, positive discipline is based on the idea that parents focus on good behaviour while avoiding bad choices that doesn’t involve to yelling – and in some countries, spanking. Compared to other types of discipline for toddlers such as authoritarian (strict) or permissive (no boundaries or rules) parenting, positive discipline is gentler, boosts trust and strengthens bonds between the parent and child, while setting boundaries and expectations around behaviour.
Through this method, toddlers learn at a young age that:
- They have age-appropriate boundaries to keep them safe and secure;
- They can problem solve;
- They understand the consequences of their behaviour;
- They learn to emphasis;
- It teaches social and life skills
With positive discipline, parents are giving toddlers the fundamentals to get through life as they continue developing. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), traditional discipline, involving spanking, doesn’t lead to long-term learning, is not effective at changing behaviours, and often contributes to continued bad behaviour.
The Benefits of Positive Discipline
Here are just a few of the benefits:
- Increased motivation;
- Better school adjustment;
- Increased self-esteem;
- Improved attachment security with parents;
- Lower behavioural problems in children;
- Increased optimism among children;
- Better cognitive and social development;
- Improved regulation of emotions;
- Increased resilience; and
- Less antisocial behaviour.
7 Types of Positive Discipline Techniques to Try
1. Turn Mistakes into Lessons
Raising a toddler is hard, but going through the motions of growing up isn’t easy either. Sometimes as parents, we often forget that they experience big emotions that can be hard to express, which is why they often act out. When these moments happen, take the time to help them learn from their mistakes, for instance if they’ve hit someone or broken something. By giving them consequences they can better understand their mistakes, helping them to learn in the long-term.
2. Time-In
Unlike time-out – which traditionally sees a child sitting in the corner with nothing to play with after bad behaviour – a time-in is a chance to reconnect with your toddler. When they’ve done something naughty, sit down with them with a book and read for a while. When they’ve calmed down, talk about what they did and why it was wrong while getting them to apologise for their actions. This type of connection shows toddlers that they can talk about their feelings in a safe way while building trust.
3. Give Them Attention
Sometimes when toddlers act out, it’s their way of expressing that they want attention, so give it to them before they misbehave. This is an important time for them where you get on their level to find out who they are and what they enjoy doing.
4. Catch Them Being Good
Oftentimes, when parents catch their children being bad, they focus on the negative behaviour. But what about when children are being good? Do parents focus enough on that and praise children for it? By catching your children being good and giving them praise for their actions, toddlers will continue this good behaviour negating the need to act out badly to get the attention they want.
5. Understand What Motivates Your Toddler’s Behaviour
Rather than assuming that your toddler is being naughty, try and understand why they’re acting out. Put yourself in their shoes to figure out what’s behind their behaviour. Being a toddler is tough as they continue to grow and find their place in the world and you, as the parent, need to determine the root cause of the issue. By doing so – in a calm manner – not only improves communication, but it can strengthen the bond between parent and child.
6. Say No to Rewards
When toddlers are acting out, it’s easy to bribe them with rewards to get them to stop doing what they’re doing and to start listening. For instance, do you have a toddler who likes to get up from the dinner table to wander off? We’ve all been there, but instead of bribing them and saying they won’t get any ice-cream if they don’t finish their dinner, consider other ways to get them back. Maybe give them something else to sit on at the table or even stand. Failing that, if they have too much energy, go for a walk before dinner.
7. Be Respectful and Consistent
Implementing positive discipline isn’t going to fix things overnight; it’ll take time, but if you’re consistent with what you’re doing you’ll eventually reap the rewards when you see your toddler turn into a kind and considerate person. At the same time, you need to be respectful of their feelings rather than setting rules based on what you think they should be doing.
Motivational Questions to Boost Positive Discipline
The below examples can be used to teach toddlers important social and life skills. Used from as young as three-years-old, they help young children feel respected and listened to while giving them the chance to solve things for themselves.
| Instead of Saying: | Say This: |
| Brush your teeth or they’ll fall out | What do you need to do to keep your teeth clean? |
| Don’t forget your coat | What will you wear so you don’t get cold outside? |
| It’s time for bed | What is next as part of your bedtime routine? |
| Do your homework | What is your plan for doing your homework? |
| Stop fighting with your siblings? | What can you and your siblings do to solve this problem? |
| Put your plates in the dishwasher | What did we decide to do with our plates after we have finished eating? |
| Hurry up or we’ll be late | What do you think you can do to avoid being late in the morning? |
| Stop whining! | What words can you use so I can hear you? |
| Tidy your toys away or I’ll give them to someone who doesn’t have any | What do you need to do once you’ve finished playing with your toys? |
Does Positive Discipline Work?
Yes, but don’t expect results overnight. With consistency, you can raise toddlers who are kind and considerate, who have a high self-esteem, can regulate their emotions and solve problems while understanding there are consequences for their actions.
It will take a lot of effort and communication, but we have to remember that toddlers are learning at a different rate to what we are. There’s lots going on for them at the moment and we need to remember that. Giving them a foundation to learn from during their early years will set them up later in life.
Final Thoughts
I’m a mother and for me implementing positive discipline for my toddler into our home is the way forward. When a child has a feeling of acceptance and belonging, they’re less likely to act out. How we, as parents, regulate our own emotions and feelings around them will also impact toddler development. At such a young age, their brains are sponges, so when they see us acting a certain way, they could take on those characteristics; something we may or may not want.
Remember, it won’t happen overnight, but by making small changes now, your children will be better off in the future.
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