We all want a relationship with our mother like the ones that are shown in the movies – having long chats on the phone, having brunch, going shopping, supporting each other, and generally being each other’s best friends. But unfortunately, real-life mother-daughter relationships look nothing like the ones shown in the movies.
In most cases, the relationship between adult women and their mothers is a toxic one. It can be due to numerous reasons – maybe the mother is too controlling, manipulative, or overly critical about every aspect of the daughter’s life. Sometimes the complications in relations can be due to the daughter’s fault too. Maybe the daughter behaves in a passive-aggressive manner towards her, is dismissive of her mother’s feelings or blames the mother for all that is wrong in her life.
But regardless of whose fault it is, such dynamics only results in years of misunderstanding, hurt, and resentment, ultimately causing the mother and daughter to drift apart from each other.
Hence its important to recognize the toxic patterns in your relationship with your mother and learn to avoid them before it is too late.
Identifying Signs of a Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationship
A toxic mother-daughter relationship is damaging for both parties’ mental health. It can impact your self-esteem and make you feel like you are not good enough and you do not deserve to be loved the way you want to.
Hence, it is important to identify the toxic patterns in your interactions with your mother. Identifying what constitutes as toxic behavior is the first step towards avoiding a toxic mother-daughter relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations
Does your mom expect you to achieve certain life milestones, career goals or lifestyle choices? While parents often have hopes for their kids, a toxic mother demands compliance and issue guilt trips if you don’t meet their expectations.
Can you identify with some of the dynamics mentioned here? Then you need to take action now and learn how to avoid a toxic mother-daughter relationship.
Lack of Boundaries
Does your mom constantly criticize you or offer unsolicited advice? Does she expect you to share private details of your life or drop everything when she calls? These are signs of poor boundaries.
Lack of Trust
A healthy relationship is built on mutual trust and respect. If your mom is controlling, manipulative, or frequently accuses you of lying, it will be hard to build trust. Be transparent and honest in your interactions with your mother.
How to avoid a Toxic Mother-daughter relationships
You know the story – the heated arguments that first created a distance between you two, the passive-aggressive behaviour that you both resort to when you are angry with each other and the unresolved issues always simmering below the surface have pushed you and your mother far apart from each other.
But you also remember the good times, the moments of closeness and understanding that once defined your bond. Somewhere inside, you long to have that connection with your mother again. Here are some strategies that will help you to avoid having a toxic mother-daughter relationship and reconnect with your mother.
Setting Healthy Boundaries and Managing Expectations
To rebuild trust, you have to set clear boundaries and reasonable expectations with your mother. First, communicate what behavior is and isn’t okay. Be specific and consistent. For example, tell her that hurtful criticism will not be tolerated. If she insults you, end the conversation immediately.
She’ll get the message that verbal abuse is unacceptable.
Also, don’t feel obligated to tell her everything or do whatever she demands. You’re allowed to say no. Start small by declining minor requests and work your way up as you gain confidence. Be prepared for some push-back as she adjusts to the new boundaries. Stay calm and reiterate your limits.
In addition, make sure your own expectations of her are realistic. She may never become the mother you always wanted, and that’s okay. Focus on the progress, however small, and express appreciation for her efforts.
Open and Communication
To rebuild trust and bridge the gap between you and your mother, open and honest communication is the key.
Open communication means talking honestly about the past hurts, listening without judgment, accepting responsibility for mistakes, and expressing a willingness to move forward in a healthier way. Both of you should also avoid pointing fingers and focus on forgiveness.
Spend some quality time together
Doing fun activities together also helps. Opt for activities that you two enjoy in the past such as going on a shopping trip, watching a movie, cooking a meal together to revoke good memories. You can also plan new activities like going on a trip, going to a cooking class together or having a relaxing spa day at home or maybe visit a spa resort.
While bonding over lighthearted moments, deeper conversations often emerge organically. Make the time to really listen to understand each other’s points of view. Compromise when you disagree. Look for common ground and ways to meet each other’s needs.
Finally, don’t forget self-care. Surround yourself with supportive people who love and respect you. Take a step back from your mother if her behavior becomes hurtful again. Your mental health and happiness should be the priority.
Wrapping Up!
Rebuilding trust in each other and forging a healthy relationship takes time and effort. Even if you follow the tips here, it won’t happen overnight. But with open communication, quality time together, and mutual understanding, you can avoid having a toxic relationship with your mother. Remember to celebrate small wins and express appreciation for your progress and be patient through challenges. With commitment to the process, mother and daughter can rediscover the loving bond they once shared.
