We are told a million and one ways to raise our children. It’s difficult to navigate in a way that resonates with the morals, values and learning experiences you want them to have to form a full-rounded personality and have the necessary tools to get through society without depending on you so much.
The ultimate goal for any parent is to have a child who is confident, sure of themselves and can take the world by storm without needing you so much. But how exactly do you achieve this? And is there actually a rough guide that helps you instill some characteristics that you might not have had when you were growing up?
Resilient kids are adaptable problem solvers so whenever they are at a crossroads, they have the resources to strive through using practicality and reason, allowing them to navigate through every and all situations. While you might think kids as a whole have an easy life with fewer responsibilities and hardships, they go through a lot of what we still do, such as moving schools and cities, forming new friendships, being hurt by those friendships, getting sick during the winter, being bullied by others, and they are constantly learning and being introduced to new things, which to many is scary no matter how minor it might be to you.
Instilling resilience at a young age can help your kids face these challenges.
What Makes a Resilient Parent?
Lynn Lyons, a licensed social worker and physiotherapist, co-authored the book “Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent.” This book goes on to say resilient kids step into an uncomfortable or new situation and are left with a sense of motivation, calmness and confidence, which allows them to figure out what they need to do.
It’s also important to note that not everyone is filled with confidence all the time, but having that little bit more power to pretend you have the utmost confidence is what really separates two people. You will always look at a confident person and you will never know if it’s real or fake.
More on the book, Lyons also goes on to say that resilient kids are full-blown adults now but it’s more the thought they won’t depend on or need you as much for things that you would get from an anxious and scared child. This is not to say that to raise resilient kids, you leave them to fend for themselves, as this is not true at all. You should always be there just in case they need you.
“We have become a culture of trying to make sure our kids are always comfortable. We as parents are trying to stay one step ahead of everything our kids are going to run into.” This is giving them a false reality of what life is truly like. Sheltering them from the realities and hardships of life is not teaching them how to handle any situation.
Being an Anxious Parent
It’s hard to be a parent who doesn’t have the tools you are trying to teach your children to be resilient, confident and sure of themselves. The urgency and need to teach them these qualities are at an all-time high because you know what it’s like to be on the other side of it.
A lot of anxious parents want to protect their children from these feelings because it once hurt them so badly but it can actually create anxiety in kids or keep them so sheltered they it might be difficult for them to manage them later in life as adults.
While it’s the parent’s job to raise their kids, it’s not your job to be there 24/7. Letting them to learn things on their own gives them the much needed independence and problem solving skills. It’s crazy that we shelter and cater for our children for so long when they are more than capable of doing so many other things themselves.
So you might be wondering how to detach yourself a little bit or which techniques to use to help them become resilient and confident. Through research and just generally experiencing life, I have composed some things you can do today.
Not Accommodating Every Need
Overprotecting your kids only fuels their anxiety and from a personal standpoint, while my parents were never sheltering in the slightest, we didn’t really do much as children and when we did, it was all 6 of us. So I was always around my parents, siblings and people I knew so I could avoid any uncomfortable situations.
It’s the same for overprotective parents who don’t put their children in a range of situations for them to experience. While in today’s world it’s important to ensure your children’s safety but to always be hovering around then cam stunt their growth.
Avoiding Eliminating All Risks from Their Environment
What I mean by this is you can’t create a lifestyle that is like the film Bubble Boy; removing all sorts of risks from their life is very counterproductive to learning resilience. Every time we leave the house, there is a risk of things happening all of the time but it doesn’t, you need to be confident in your children’s abilities to take care of themselves to a certain extent; of course, they see and feel the confidence can help cater resilience.
The key is to allow appropriate risks and teach them essential skills to navigate through when and if these ‘risks’. A good example could be teaching them how to ride a bike, so when you guide them on stabilisers, you are instilling things like “looking both ways” and what to do if they fall over.
Teaching Kids to Problem-Solve
Suppose your child is anxious about being away from home, even though they want to attend sleep-away camp. According to Lyons, a worried parent would respond, “Well, then there’s no reason for you to go.”
However, a thoughtful strategy is to acknowledge your child’s anxiety and assist them in learning how to deal with homesickness. Thus, you may want to enquire with your youngster about ways in which they might prepare for being away from home.
They discussed study techniques, such as time management and scheduling, when Lyons’s son expressed anxiety about his first final exam. When you help your kids figure out how to deal with difficulties. Continually provide them the chance “to figure out what works and what doesn’t.”
Avoiding Asking Them ‘Why’?
Asking “why” enquiries does not advance problem-solving. What would your child reply if they were to leave their bike outside in the rain and you wondered why? I was irresponsible. I’m eight years old,” Lyons goes on to explain in the book.
Instead, try posing “how” queries. “Your chain rusted because you left your bike outside in the rain.” How are you going to correct that? Lyons teaches her clients various skills by asking “how” enquiries. When your bed is warm and comfortable, how do you get out of it? How do you deal with the boisterous boys that bother you on the bus?
How Do Religion, Culture and Relisence Come into Play?
It’s essential to acknowledge the role of religion and culture in shaping a child’s resilience. Many faiths emphasize values like perseverance, compassion, and gratitude, which are fundamental to building resilience. Cultural traditions and practices can also foster a strong sense of identity and belonging, contributing to a child’s overall well-being.
For instance, in cultures where wearing an abaya or hijab is prevalent, these garments can symbolize modesty, strength, and cultural identity. These external markers can contribute to a child’s internal sense of self and resilience.
